My Latest Hero.

This happened last month, so I’m a little late to the party on it — but being a film nerd I could not pass it up.

According to the Associated Press, the man pictured above, Paul Horner, managed to single-handedly (if fact, he didn’t even use his hands) run off a pair of would-be robbers at a local coffee shop in Jonestown, AZ. You see, Mr. Horner is a fan of the Quentin Tarantino film Pulp Fiction. Such a fan in fact, that he could replicate practically the whole film word-for-word, and even had a “Bad Mother Fucker” wallet — a replica of the one owned by Samuel L. Jackson’s character Jules Winnfield — on his person.

The robbers went about getting each diner’s wallet (just like in Pulp Fiction, no really), and here was Mr. Horner, sporting his Bad Mother Fucker. According to another diner (who had no knowledge of the film), Horner appeared to be “some crazy white guy with a death wish”.

“It was really lucky that I had my wallet with me that said ‘Bad Mother Fucker’ on it,” said Horner. “I just held it up, you know like how Samuel L. Jackson did in Pulp Fiction.”

“After I said the comment about my wallet the robbers started freaking out. So then in my best tough black guy voice I said to them (italics added for emphasis): Normally, both your asses would be dead as fucking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this shit while I’m in a transitional period so I don’t wanna kill you, I wanna help you,” Horner said. “Then the robbers looked at each other and then just ran out of the restaurant. I knew my vast knowledge of Pulp Fiction would pay off for me one day.” And indeed it did, Paul. But it seems Mr. Horner had a little problem getting “out of character” after the robbers had fled.

According to the shop’s manager, Ted Barkins, “It seemed like Mr. Horner’s brain had temporarily snapped. I told him that I think the cops are on their way and he said, ‘I don’t wanna hear about no motherfuckin’ ifs. All I wanna hear from your ass is, you ain’t got no problem, Paul. I’m on the motherfucker. Go back in there, chill them niggas out and wait for the cavalry which should be coming directly’. Then he started asking me questions about our food menu. He asked me about our hamburgers and if I knew what they called a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France? It was really weird, but hey, he’s a hero I guess.”

An officer of the Jonestown Police Department said, “In every other parallel universe this man would be shot and killed but not here in Jonestown. It’s fortunate that this small town has a person like Mr. Horner living in it. If he hadn’t have had so much free time on his hands he never would have been able to quote so many lines from Pulp Fiction. Down time is the real hero here today.”

No, down time is not the real hero — Paul Horner is. His stunning combination of cinematic quote chops and massive cojones are what saved the day. They need to get Sam Jackson himself to award some sort of medal to the man, maybe something like this:

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